When I was growing up, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I had baby dolls coming out of every nook and cranny, and all of the supplies to go with it. I secretly loved when my friends' younger siblings cried, because I loved to cuddle them back to smiles.
When I became a mom, I was sure that I would be the best mom that ever existed. I had a wonderful mom who supported, loved, snuggled, and loved me some more. She was a good example of how to be a nurturer. So, I figured I would only improve on that already great foundation of motherhood.
I soon learned that I was the most patient, loving mom ever! My wee babe grew and grew, and I continued to prove myself right: I was the best! I never yelled, I never spanked. I never really needed to, because wouldn't you know? My child just happened to be the sweetest baby/toddler in the world, too! How convenient. All joking aside, I litterally surprised myself daily by the extreme amount of patience I possessed. I was so excited that I was going to be the only mom in the history of moms that never yelled at her children!
Enter baby number two...
I soon found myself stretched more than I could have ever imagined. My exhausted body wanted nothing more than uninterrupted sleep, so asking me to read or help get a bowl of cereal was way more than could have been expected of me. My sweet, angel of a two-almost-three-year-old drastically changed...overnight, so it seemed. She was so demanding and began wearing down my patience. I mean, come on! Get your own dang quesadilla! I began *ahem* yelling. It wasn't my fault! The child drove me to it! I couldn't control myself. Never mind that I could go from cooing and oohing in my baby's face, to yelling my at my oldest, and back to cooing in a matter of seconds. That had nothing to do with my self control. *sigh* (Did you read that in the sarcastic, fececious tone with which I meant it? I hope so!)
I quickly learned that I was NOT the most patient mother in the world. Caring? Yes. Loving? Absolutely. Patient? Not even close. It quickly spiraled out of control to the point that I felt that no one, not even my sweet husband, would respond to me unless I yelled. I felt this way for a long time. The whole dynamic of our family changed from warm and kind to demeaning and cold. I had tried to change many times, but it seemed hopeless. I felt like nothing ever worked for me. That I was too far gone. That I had already ruined my children. I have been known to admit to my husband and close friends that I wasn't enjoying being a mom. That the good moments were so rare, I couldn't even use them to buoy me up during the rough ones. I was seriously feeling miserable. (I hope you all realize that this is very hard for me to admit, but admitting brings about realizations, which brings about change.)
One day, just recently, I was finally pushed to realize and change my bad behaviors FOR GOOD when my sweet 4 year old said to me, "Mommy, will you be a nice mommy today? I don't like it when you are mean. It scares me." What? I scare my child? That was not the mom I was supposed to be! And then, on a separate occasion, not long after, my sweet girl was carrying her baby, pretending it was crying, and instead of shushing and loving that dolly, she yelled at it. I cried. And cried. And cried. I told my child that I was a bad mom. That she deserved better. I finally realized that it was not anyone else's fault and that I absolutely could control the way I reacted to everything, and that I HAD TO.
I decided to put into action all of the things I had been reading concerning yelling and how to stop. I actually read a lot off the Orange Rhino website (I highly recommend it). She gives so many strategies to use rather than yelling. I also have prayed and prayed for the ability to exercise more patience and love when disciplining my children, but instead of feeling like it should just come naturally, and if it doesn't it isn't my fault, I have made the conscious effort to be patient and loving. I am pleased to announce that today, January 21, 2015 is day three (in a row) without a single yell coming from my mouth. *the angels rejoice!* These have been probably the three most blissful days of my I-have-two-children life! No one else has really changed. My kids still make messes, they still argue, and refuse to share, and scream when they don't get what they want (mainly my 1 1/2 year old), but I have changed the way I react to the situation.
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I decided to put into action all of the things I had been reading concerning yelling and how to stop. I actually read a lot off the Orange Rhino website (I highly recommend it). She gives so many strategies to use rather than yelling. I also have prayed and prayed for the ability to exercise more patience and love when disciplining my children, but instead of feeling like it should just come naturally, and if it doesn't it isn't my fault, I have made the conscious effort to be patient and loving. I am pleased to announce that today, January 21, 2015 is day three (in a row) without a single yell coming from my mouth. *the angels rejoice!* These have been probably the three most blissful days of my I-have-two-children life! No one else has really changed. My kids still make messes, they still argue, and refuse to share, and scream when they don't get what they want (mainly my 1 1/2 year old), but I have changed the way I react to the situation.
Rather than yell a sharp "HEY!" at the initial sound of a scuffle (which leads to more yelling), I quietly take care of it with love and calmness.
When my 4-year old whines and cried and keeps begging for the thing I refused her earlier, I whisper; quieter and quieter each time until she can barely hear me. And a miraculous thing occurs: she stops whining and crying and begging and says, "ok mommy" just like she used to, but I never had to raise my voice, and there are a lot less tears.
I am constantly reminding my child (secretly for myself) that Heavenly Father and Jesus are watching and would not want us to yell and scream.
Rather than yell at her to clean up her toys a million times, I simply help her, even though I didn't make the mess (which is what I used to yell at her when she asked me to help after being told a million times to clean up). Or, I just clean up without asking for her to join me, and she always joins. {Side note: I think of it now as a service I am rendering to my children, rather than a pain in my butt and just one more thing to do. Much like when I put away my husband's clean clothes or cook dinner without even thinking about it, I am here to serve my family. This is the season of my life right now. And through my service, I will teach my children to do the same.}
We have giggled and tickled more in the last three days than in the last several months combined. It amazes me what three days of kindness can do to a family dynamic. I am so grateful that I have began making these changes. I am sure, no, positive that moments will still come when I will fail. But, I am now praying that those moments become less and less common as the days go on and that my sweet children will remember a kind, calm, loving mom, even when disciplining. I look forward to the positive, wonderful experiences of mothering being so strong and common in my life, that they can buoy me up when times are rough; because, let's be honest: being a mom is hard. And in just three days, I can honestly say that I am loving being a mom.
When my 4-year old whines and cried and keeps begging for the thing I refused her earlier, I whisper; quieter and quieter each time until she can barely hear me. And a miraculous thing occurs: she stops whining and crying and begging and says, "ok mommy" just like she used to, but I never had to raise my voice, and there are a lot less tears.
I am constantly reminding my child (secretly for myself) that Heavenly Father and Jesus are watching and would not want us to yell and scream.
Rather than yell at her to clean up her toys a million times, I simply help her, even though I didn't make the mess (which is what I used to yell at her when she asked me to help after being told a million times to clean up). Or, I just clean up without asking for her to join me, and she always joins. {Side note: I think of it now as a service I am rendering to my children, rather than a pain in my butt and just one more thing to do. Much like when I put away my husband's clean clothes or cook dinner without even thinking about it, I am here to serve my family. This is the season of my life right now. And through my service, I will teach my children to do the same.}
We have giggled and tickled more in the last three days than in the last several months combined. It amazes me what three days of kindness can do to a family dynamic. I am so grateful that I have began making these changes. I am sure, no, positive that moments will still come when I will fail. But, I am now praying that those moments become less and less common as the days go on and that my sweet children will remember a kind, calm, loving mom, even when disciplining. I look forward to the positive, wonderful experiences of mothering being so strong and common in my life, that they can buoy me up when times are rough; because, let's be honest: being a mom is hard. And in just three days, I can honestly say that I am loving being a mom.
My daughter now says, "We never yell, unless we are hurt or the house is on fire." It makes my heart smile.
Posted by Jessica
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